Being unemployed for the past few months has fucking sucked, to be blunt.
To put it more eloquently, it has been a complete bitch of a time, evoking a variety of intense, overwhelming emotions within me. My boyfriend, who has been amazingly supportive during this difficult time has said I’m a ‘mess’ who is ‘all over the place,’ and although this is harsh, I have to agree. I veer from massively productive days where I’m sat in a coffee shop of choice sending off swift applications and artfully worded cover letters to marginally non productive days where I’m sobbing in bed despairing of ever having a stable career. I start doubting my chosen path (journalism), wondering if perhaps there’s something better out there. I doubt my writing abilities-whether I’m even good enough, whereas copious articles published through work experience at a national newspaper certainly disproves this. My self confidence and normally outgoing, bubbly personality has suffered with every damn day that stretches ahead, like an endless desert I’m lost in. I am desperately jealous of those who have a normal 9-5 job, who complain to me of being too busy to breathe, who can’t wait to get home after a long day. Whereas I’m desperate to escape those four walls every single day. As I’m furiously pounding the keys of my laptop I still wonder if I’m doing enough. Although I also know I am doing all the right things-job applying, going to interviews, most recently calling up recruiters. People tell me to keep positive but positive is hard after months of rejection. I am grateful certainly. Towards the newspaper for taking me on work experience, commissioning me for freelance articles and giving me valuable feedback that will help improve me as a writer. Towards my friends, family and boyfriend who may not always get how or why I feel so hopeless when they tell me there’s so much hope! And I’m so talented and have so much going for me. I know this things deep down but forget them in the blank, unforgiving face of unemployment. But what means the most is that I know they are there-loving and supporting me always, through the good and bad. I don’t know what my future looks like but I do know that I crave a jam packed schedule, where I’m a high flyer who owns her shit instead of not being able to get it together. I want the day to come when I stride confidently down the street in smart business attire, clear and focused as to where I’m headed. I fear the future but I know that isn’t wise, because fear slows you down. So I guess for now, rather than letting myself drown in it all I need to keep my head above water and just try to take it day by day, or wherever the waves take me.